Wednesday, May 28, 2014

the struggle is real.

So, as I opened up my Word document in preparation of writing what is possibly the final chapter to Penny in Peril, I found an entry that I never posted. I don't think I'd finished, but I'm posting as is. Enjoy this blast from the past and prepare yourself for the final chapter. (This post is backdated to when I originally wrote it.)

Wow! It’s been a hot minute, but I’ve been feeling the urge to write again.

I’m almost certain it’s coming from my increased frustration with dating. I feel like I’ve hit this strange brick wall – where all the guys are the same and the waters of the online date pool have become murky and fished out. Oh, and an increasingly large number have been finding themselves off the island – four in the last week! Only one of which I’ve written about before.

The struggle is real, ya’ll. I’m in this constant battle with myself. Do I hold out for what I really want and give up dates I know might not pan out? Or do I stop being so picky and maybe settle a little? My thoughts are all over the place – I have millions of questions floating in my head. I contemplate the idea of completely throwing in the online-dating-towel and going cold turkey, but then I get scared and have a fear that I’ll never meet anyone any other way.

Do they have dating rehab? I think I might need it.

The biggest issue is that I’ve yet to find the secret pool of decent men. Men who have a life plan, goals, the desire to wife-up and live happily ever after. There is a plethora of commitment fearing men. Men who want all the benefits of a relationship (i.e. sex), but have no desire to date. I even had one guy go as far to tell me that he loves my personality, spending time with me, and that I calm him. Yet… he just wants FWB and nothing more. Please tell me how that makes sense? Ugh! And second of all – I hate that term because we’re not even really friends.

I want a relationship and when I hear that a guy is even the least bit hesitant about that, I cut him loose. Am I wrong to think he won’t change and that we’re not on the same page? The confusion comes at the fact they’re on an online dating site. What are you doing online dating when your want is set to “casual dating/no commitment?” I don’t get it.

Friday, October 12, 2012

it happened.

In the last two weeks I've been on two dates – one not so great date and one pretty great date. When you fall off the horse (or get bucked off in my case) you've got to get right back on – that's what my dad always said. I've been doing my best to move on the only way I can.

The not so great date must've also felt that way. We texted a couple of times, but then I sorta didn't respond and he hasn't pursued it. Nice guy, just no chemistry. Monday night was my pretty great date. We met for drinks and two hours later decided to grab some dinner. Dinner lasted another two hours. We shared some good laughs and conversations and both said we wanted to get together again. We didn't kiss and I wouldn't say there was crazy chemistry, but I knew I liked him enough (after four hours) that I wanted to see him again. I haven't heard from him in a few days though, so who knows.

I knew it was only a matter of time before I ran into him and it happened last night. It's been nearly a month since our last conversation and over three weeks since I've attempted to contact him. I knew that seeing him was inevitable, but I wasn't certain how I'd react. I was a little taken aback by how it hit me. I wasn't sure it would, but it upset me and then made me mad. It put a pit in my stomach and tears in my eyes. I saw him in his truck at a stop light – he was waiting to make a left turn and I was making a right. I have no idea if he saw me or not.

When I got home I was ok. When I went to bed I was not ok. The emotion of it all it me again and made me sad and angry. After lying in bed for a while I decided to start writing a text to send to him today. That text turned into an email with a copy saved to my drafts and another copy shot off to BFF. I didn't send the email today and I'm not going to send it. Writing it all out seems to be so cathartic for me. I don't anymore feel the need to send it to him, but I am going to put it out into the world by sharing it here. It's nothing new – just my thoughts of how I felt last night – in the heat of the moment.  

Living three miles from one another I knew it would happen eventually, but I didn't know how I'd feel when it happened. I don't know if you saw me, but I saw you last night.

It's been about a month and while I've moved on to the best of my ability, seeing you - even just driving in your truck - upset me a little and made me realize the importance of closure. The fact is, in our situation there was none. I didn't get anything from you that even remotely resembled it and even still, I deserve some sort of an explanation. I don't care if you got scared, changed your mind about me, got back with an ex, started seeing someone else, if it really was about your work stuff or  whatever else it could have been. You were never honest with me. I gave you the space you asked for and needed, but you never gave me what I asked for and what I needed. The way you treated me was completely selfish and a total asshole move. I can't forgive you for that and I won't, but I need an explanation and I need closure.

Your total disappearance and shutting me out (after you promised not to) came from no where and was a total blindside. It crushed me. I felt like I knew you and I trusted you. I never imagined you'd pull something like that or treat me how you did. It's unexplainable and to this day I'm baffled by it.

The only thing I'm certain of is that none of it is/was my fault. I was honest with you and felt that last conversation we had was positive and promising. I'm not asking to see you or for a second chance - what I want is an apology and explanation. It could be a 5 minute phone call or 5 paragraph email - you owe it to me. Stop being an ass, man up and tell me what the hell happened.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

the moment.

Because I saw Safetysuit in concert last night and these lyrics spoke to me. There a few lines in particular - "And I don't care what you think. Because you didn't think to care about me." and "You were blind to me, now I'm blind to you, no?"

Monday, September 24, 2012

nothing in return.

The past two weeks have been nothing short of a crazy roller coaster of confusion, frustration, and disappointment. I haven’t felt much like writing up until this point.

I left off with giving him space, thinking I’d see him that Monday night. He sent me a late afternoon text, saying he wasn’t ready and promising not to shut me out. I didn’t like it, but I tried to understand.  Giving him space was going to be difficult and I knew that. I also knew that I needed to be strong and show him that respected him – that I respected him 100%.

I did the only thing I know to do – I got online and starting researching “what to do when you’re boyfriend asks for time/space?” The internet is flooded with opinions and most of them say the same – give him time. I found one article particularly helpful. I read it several times before I took the woman’s advice and used the Love Him, Letter Him, Let Him Go technique. The article was great and suggested writing a letter, so I did. I mostly followed her format and I felt good what I sent him. He didn’t respond, but it’s not intended to elicit a response and didn’t expect one.

Exactly one week went by and I had heard nothing from him. I had also not texted, called or emailed. Last Monday morning, I decided to send him a text. I simply said, “Good morning! So, I’ve been patient and respectful of your wish for time, and you promised not to shut me out – it’s been a week – can we talk, please?” I sent it in hopes that we could at least touch base. The entire day went by without a response. I called him on my way home telling him that his lack of response spoke volumes and I was coming by to pick up my things. He of course didn’t answer and was of course not home when I went by. Nearly an hour later he responded, “Been a busy day. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Probably be a bit before I’m home. If you’d like, I can get your things together and take them to you later.” WHAT?! So he didn’t even want to talk. And truthfully, I could care less about my things. It was more about being able to have a conversation with him.

A few other texts were exchanged and he said he’d call me later that night. Less than an hour later I got another text saying, “I’m not going to be home for a while. Guys are taking so-and-so out for his birthday. We can talk tomorrow night if that’s alright.” I responded fairly quickly with, “It’s not, but I guess I’d rather talk in person anyway – I can come by tomorrow after work…? No exceptions or excuses – we need to figure this out.” One week later and he has yet to respond to that text. I haven’t gotten my things and I haven’t heard a word from him.

I made one last attempt to get in touch with him Friday night. I called and left a voicemail asking him to call me back - I've heard nothing. I was pretty messed up that first week, last week I was just pissed off and this week, I’m putting myself back on the market. At this point, I'm not even sure that I want to see him. I don't feel anything toward him anymore and can't imagine being intimate with him, let alone even kissing him. He's an ass and coward and not at all the man or caring person I thought he was. Of course, I'd like some closure, but I'm not going to get it.

It’s all just so confusing and I can’t wrap my head around it – and neither can anyone I’ve told about it. Thinking I was going to talk to him last week, I wrote down a few notes. I’m glad I did. It helped to write it all down and now I have it to reference in this post, because I’ve pretty much blocked out the emotions.  It was more in a letter format with some thoughts, etc. Although I’m mostly over it by now, it’s important that I share my feelings and what I was thinking last week (when I was still thinking we had a chance) – even though it feels like a lifetime ago.

I get that you’re stress and understand your work stuff needs to be top priority right now. It’s why I thought I was doing a good thing by being caring and respectful by giving you time. But, what about my feelings? You haven’t given me equal respect or consideration. You said you wouldn’t shut me out and that is exactly what you’ve done. Maybe you meant something different by that..?

Your actions have been speaking so loudly. Ignoring me has only made all of this worse. I know I shouldn’t be treated this way. It’s unfair, but above all it is rude and disrespectful. I’ve given to you, but I’ve gotten nothing in return.

I need your 100% honesty. Put my feelings aside and tell it to me straight. This has also been harder because there has been no communication. All it takes is a response to my call or text.

Two weeks ago, things felt awesome! I felt connected and in the same place as you. You taking me camping and doing all the planning spoke volumes and showed you cared about me. I couldn’t have asked more – it was a great weekend. Somewhere between now and then things took a 180. It’s like a switch was on and then switched off. What happened? What changed?

Two weeks ago, I was crazy about you and definitely falling. Now, I don’t know. I’m hurt and confused. I feel like I’ve seen a different side of you and trusting you again would take time, but I also don’t know that I’m 100% done either. Maybe I want it more? Are you as ready as you thought you were?

In the last week I’ve sort of just figured that we were done. It’s not the outcome I want or what I’d hoped for us. What did you think about in the last week? What pieces of this puzzle am I missing? Is there more to this or a root cause for all of it?

Today, I’m feeling stronger and feeling more confident about the future. I thought that he could have been my Mr. Right, but he proved that he wasn’t. The way I look at it – I’m one step closer to finding the man I’m meant to be with. There is a plan for all of us and this was just a stepping stone and a lesson that I was meant to learn. It’s strange how it’s been easier to get over him that it was to get over Captain Hook. I guess when someone shows you just how ugly they are, you can move along a little more quickly.

Monday, September 10, 2012


I’m not going to sugar coat a thing – last night was hard. From the minute I walked in the door I could tell something was seriously going on. The guy looked like he’d lost his best friend. I’d never seen him this way before. It wasn’t our typical greeting, but we hugged for a long time and kissed a little bit.

It was written all of his face that something was up and I could tell he was carrying a heavy load on his shoulders. Trying to stay composed; I asked him, “What’s going on?” A lot of information came pouring out. Some things I already knew about, but I didn’t know the extent to which it was bothering him. He’s got some big decisions to make about some work stuff and part of that means a possible move to Colorado. It’s all been on his mind for quite some time. In fact, I’m pretty sure he was thinking a lot about it while we were camping. I caught him staring off into space with a pondering look on his face more than once.

He asked for time to figure things out. I asked that moving forward, we be honest and open about concerns and fears and what’s going on. I feel like it’s the only way to support one another. I told him that I didn’t deserve to be ignored and left in the dark and that I also didn’t want to be shut out. We talked about a lot of different things, but ending what we have didn’t seem to something either of us wanted. One of things we talked about was how each of our previous relationships ended – turns out we’re both teetering on the edge of history repeating itself. I’m hoping that with time and fate things will work out as they are meant to. There were a lot of tears (on my part, but it was clear he was on the verge) and hugs, but I know we can work through this.

I asked him if he wanted me to stay or go last night and he said it was best I went. Of course I didn’t want to go, but in an effort to be strong, respectful and honor his wishes, I went home after we talked. I gave him last night, and he’s giving me tonight. We’ll have both had time to think and perhaps have a little more clarity on where to go from here.

I’m willing to be respectful of his need for time to figure things out. I want to be supportive of him and his needs. I think I’ll take the time to think about things too and figure out what I want moving forward. I read some really great articles last night and I think I can do this. I want to do this – for him and for us. So, if I don’t post for a few days, it’s because I’m taking that time too.

And then, my horoscope for the week says, “Suddenly, your foundation will feel as if it’s shifting in a direction you aren’t prepared to go. Although you may have dreamt of change and thought it would relieve you when it happened, it’s a shock when it does. Yes, fantasy and reality can be a bitch to assimilate, but when two worlds collide, motion can get rough. No matter, understand this is an envious problem to have.”